Saturday, October 21, 2006

Time to Face the New Music

Originally posted 5/30/2006

I really hate to say this, but I think rap music is dead.

Black folks need to come up with a new form of music and quick. And yeah, I charge black folks with that because you don’t want white folks to do it.

Remember new wave? That’s what happens when white people come up with new kinds of music, because it’s messing with nature’s system! The way it works is, black folks invent the music, we cracka-ass crackas steal it from you, and we destroy it, that’s how it works.

It’s always been like this. It started with Southern Gospel. The Blues, started as black music from freed slaves, Leadbelly played it in prison, Robert Johnson sold his soul to the devil, now Jim Belushi and John Goodman play it at the House of Blues *gag*. Then you moved on to jazz. We stole it. R & B, which became rock and roll. Soul music, Al Green became Michael Bolton. Disco, Earth Wind and Fire became ELO. And finally Rap. Run – DMC, Eric B and Rakim, Rob Base and DJ EZ Rock, these are the pioneers, man. I turned on the TV the other day and I heard, “Two all-beef patties, special sauce, lettuce, cheese, pickles, onions, on a sesame seed bun, yo! Nuthin’ eats like a Big Mac, WAORD!”

It’s over.

When people are rapping about a f*ckin’ burger, man, it can no longer be cool. When Mickey Mouse is rapping on the Disney Channel, it’s over!

It’s officially been ruined.

And it’s not your fault, it’s our fault. We, the white people, destroyed your music, but it’s all we know how to do!

And now we’re flailing in a sea of regurgitated music sewage, because there’s nothing new, nothing fresh for us to devour and turn into feces. And that’s why I’m saying, you black folks have gotta come up with something new, because you know what? If you leave it to us… All I’m saying is that somewhere out there is a Swedish band with an idea that’s gonna change the world…

'Sup Dawg?

Originally posted 5/24/06

This is gonna be a little un-PC today.

I live in a fairly multi-cultural neighborhood. By that I mean it’s about half white folks and half black folks and 2/3 hispanic folks.

‘Cause let’s face it, almost everywhere is 2/3 hispanic folks.

Something I’ve noticed when I’m out jogging or just driving through the neighborhood... What’s with the black dudes and the pit bulls?

Do these guys know that there are other breeds of dog out there? Is that what all the rappers have, is it like doggie-bling? Or are they just trying to look tough?

See, that doesn’t work on me. I don’t think someone walking a pit bull looks tough. After all, why would someone walk around with a dog that could kill people? Because they don’t want to fight anybody. They want the dog to do the work.

See that doesn’t make you tough. Having a tough dog doesn’t make you tough at all. Makes you look weak if anything. I mean, skinny white girls get big dogs so they feel protected, if you’re a big black dude walking a big dog, that means you can’t take care of yourself, it makes you look like that Olsen Twin white girl with 3 cans of mace in her pocket. If I saw a big, tough-looking black dude walking down the street with a pit bull, I wouldn’t be afraid of that guy. Because I’d know it’s all a front.

Now, a big black dude walking around with a Pomeranian… I’d find my way to the other side of the street. ‘Cause that’s someone just ready to start some shit. He’s begging you to say something. He’s aching for a funny look from you. That’s a dude who has determined, he is not going home until he kicks someone’s ass. And I am not going to let that ass be mine. Because you know while he’s pounding you into the ground, that Pomeranian, he’s biting your nuts.

And Pomeranians have that long narrow snout with the sharp teeth, that’s just a cheap vasectomy. Don’t get me wrong, I’ve got nothing against vasectomies, but I want it on my own schedule.

And when I do, I really want the guy who does it to have opposable thumbs.

Open Letter to Brent Plater

Originally posted 5/18/06

Dear Mr. Plater, staff attorney for the Center for Biological Diversity,

As an environmentalist, I was very heartened to hear about your efforts to establish protected status for the Hawaiian picture-wing flies, all 12 species of them, including the ones with the dots on the wings. I share your hearty enthusiasm for nature and am glad to see someone else out there understands the importance and contribution of the noble picture-wings. All 12 species. Especially the ones with the dots.

While I value your work, I’d like to issue a concern of mine. Respectfully, I have been quite disheartened by your group’s inconsistency. Notably, your failure to recognize and fight for another endangered species much closer to your Arizona home – the Sierra Madre Striped Jackelope.

This beautiful and important creature – a jackrabbit with antlers like an antelope - lives on the west slope of Mount Wilson and can often be found hiding in rock formations and small caves, digging into the ground for roots with its antlers. At least, once upon a time, it could. These days, the “Striped Jack”, as the locals call it, are practically impossible to find.

Unlike its better known cousin, the Sierra Madre Jackelope, the Striped Jackelope has a 2 cm stripe down its flank. While some might find such a small difference inconsequential, its significance is far reaching. For instance, when the Striped Jack is running at full bore, one can see a black stripe amongst what is common with the Sierra Madre Jackelope, a gray blur with accents of tan antlers.

I’m sure it is plain to see that the Sierra Madre Striped Jackelope is easily the most important living creature in the entire world. At last count, the number left of these species is down to a paltry 132. Their loss would be an incalculable loss to all of mankind. Many believe the Striped Jack is the key for cures for cancer, syphilis, tuberculosis, AIDS, baldness, and death itself.

Both of us at the Sierra Madre Striped Jackelope Conservation Society have tried to force the EPA through litigation to place the Striped Jack on the protected list, but our efforts came to a harsh end when the judge denied our case, claiming that such a creature “does not exist.” Can you imagine the nerve? Activist judges.

This is why we wish you to join us. Your victory with the Hawaiian picture-wings, all 12 species, including the ones with the dots, have given us hope. We have great respect for what you do, because we believe in a time of global warming that threatens to destroy our very civilization as we know it, it’s crucial that someone force the Environmental Protection Agency to put their time, effort, and money on what’s really important – the Hawaiian picture-wing flies. All 12 species. Even the ones with the dots.

We hope that soon the same can be said for the Sierra Madre Striped Jackelope.


- The Noble Idiot

More of the flies

Originally posted 5/17/06

I touched on this subject yesterday, but today I’m going to full-on molest it.

Ponder something along with me. Look at the two dogs above. The one on the left could get lost in the stool of the one on the right. And they are the very same species. Dogs come in a ridiculous variety of shapes, sizes, colors, hair lengths, etc., mostly from our own breeding practices over time (which makes the complaints against genetic testing laughable - we’ve been doing it for thousands of years).

But with all that variation and biological diversity, they are still all considered the same species.

Yesterday, I wrote about how 12 different species of Hawaiian picture-wing flies have been put on the Endangered Species list. The only thing that separates the different species is the color patterns on their wings. Other than that, they seem to behave similarly, breed the same, they basically just look a little different. And for some reason, they’re considered totally different species.

But the two dogs above are the same species.

You know how the road you drive down to get to work every day that’s perfectly fine, no potholes or anything, suddenly one day a construction crew is out there digging it up and resurfacing it for no reason whatsoever, and you’ve got to find another way to get to work for a few weeks and it totally messes up your life? And you know there was nothing wrong with that road and the only reason they did it was so the Transportation Department can pad their budget and get more money next year?

Ever get the feeling the EPA is just making up endangered species so they can get more money in their budget?

Because there’s probably plenty of picture-wing flies in Hawaii, but not that many with spots on the wings! We’ve got to save those flies! They’re one of the most important endemic invertebrates in Hawaii!!

They’re F*CKING FLIES!!!

Now, you won’t find more of a granola-eatin’ tree-huggin’ hippie than the Idiot. My car gets over 40 miles a gallon and I fill it with Bio-fuel. I’m all about the environment. But whenever I see reports saying that we’re losing thousands of animal species every year, I can’t help but think about things like the picture-wings. Because they say all these species are dying and it makes you think it’s something big, like say bears. But no, it’s always some Andean mountain tortoise that only lives on the north slope of Mount Charurimako, which can be identified by its front claws being half a millimeter longer than other Andean tortoises.

And what’s more likely, that the planet will spiral out of control without the long-clawed tortoises on Mount Charurimako or the Hawaiian picture-wing flies with the dots, or that a government bureaucracy is trying to make a little more money?

Being a lover of the environment, this bothers the Idiot. Because I want the EPA to do its job effectively, and this kind of crap just undermines it.

Granted, these are the musings of a layperson. The idiot is no scientist, but he’s no idiot, either... In a manner of speaking...

But look at those two dogs again. Do you really see those two mating? If two creatures are in the same species, shouldn’t they be able to get down? Maybe the definition of a different species should be whether or not the two of them could actually mate.

Of course, by that definition, people and sheep are the same species.

Save the flies

Originally posted 5/16/06

Ah, thank Jesus.

The Idiot spent some time in Hawaii recently, and the whole time, something seemed wrong. Couldn’t put my finger on it, things were just off. I now know what it is, and through the grace and wisdom of the U.S. government, the problem is on its way to being solved.

The problem: there aren’t enough flies.

Okay, it’s not just that there are no flies. It’s that there aren’t enough Hawaiian picture-wing flies.

If that sentence didn’t send a shiver up your spine, then you’re not paying enough attention.

Hawaii is running out of PICTURE-WINGS, PEOPLE!!!

But fear not, the U.S. Fish and Wildlife Service is on it. The big news is that last week they put 12 species of Hawaiian picture-wings on the endangered species list. That’s right, 12 species of picture-wings. That means there’ll be protection for the flies with one dot on each wing, the fly with a swirly thing, that one with the stripe inside the stripe...

Anyway, THANK GOD! If my tax money is going to be put toward something, I think it should be the picture-wings. All 12 of them. And don’t think it’s weird that every fly with any tiny difference gets its own species. It’s a little known fact that every human with a different mole is considered a different species. Some of which are, by the way, on the Endangered Species list.

It’s about time. This only came about after a lawsuit by the Center for Biological Diversity in Arizona, accusing the administration of being in violation of the Endangered Species Act. “The Hawaiian picture-wings are one of our most important endemic invertebrates in Hawaii,” said Brent Plater, the Center’s staff attorney.

And don’t you know it.

According to chaos theory, if a butterfly flaps its wings in Singapore, it causes a storm in Kansas. It’s possible that the flapping of millions of picture-wings in Hawaii could cause a surge in hurricanes here in the U.S.

Wait a second...

On second thought, kill the f*ckers.

Maniac Cat

Originally posted 5/15/06

Astute readers have pointed out that there are a large number of cat pics that appear on this site. That may lead one to think the Idiot is a cat person.

Guilty as charged.

Cats make sense. They’re lazy, unmotivated, and only engage themselves in things that serve their own self-interest.

You know, just like most people.

For years, the Idiot has been adopted by a cat. It’s kind-of a neighborhood cat that came in one day and never left. I named him Crash because he crashes at my place, get it? But it’s actually a really good name for him, because he’s an outdoor cat, kinda rough and tumble, you know. But I’m thinking of changing his name. To Dahmer. ‘Cause I’m telling you, this cat’s a stone cold killer. I’m not kidding.

I feed the cat, and I think he appreciates it because he’s always leaving little gifts for me. On my doorstep. The kind of gifts that used to run around and eat nuts and make noises but nowadays pretty much spend their time attracting flies. And he likes to spread his gifts around as much as possible. So you got a little bit of your gift here, a little bit of it over there. I guess you could say his gifts have some assembly required.

The area underneath the stairs of the Idiot Lair is like a Faces of Death for teenage rodents. It’s the killing fields. It’s Cambodia in the early 70’s. And that cat is a feline Pol Pot. PoleCAT Pot, if you will.

But I’ve seen him in action, and it really is amazing. He’s an outdoor cat, so he still has that predatory instinct and to see him stalking his prey, it’s like being in the Discovery Channel. A suburban, domestic Discovery Channel. But what gets me is the bloodlust in this cat, it’s unbelievable.

I came home from work one day and saw him staking out something in the grass behind a fence, and he’s sitting on the bottom rung of the fence his tail’s spasming like it’s having its own orgasm that the rest of him is not aware of. You know some creature is about to meet sweet death when his tail’s doing this. Then, finally, he’s sitting there, and he just goes…. BAM!! He disappears into the tall grass, all I see is grass violently shaking like a rhino’s about to run out of it, and all I hear are Sharon Tate-like squeaks coming out of the melee. Out of this mess, a single rat goes flying through the air over the grass, then disappears into it again.

Now, all this time, I’m just standing across the parking lot, watching this, and at this point, I’m thinking I’ve gotta get a better look at this. So I walk up to see what’s going on, about this time, the cat comes walking back through the fence with this still-struggling, still squeaking rat in his jaws of death. Now, the cat looks up at me, and like I said, the bloodlust in this cat’s face, it was terrifying! Breathing heavily, blood around his mouth, eyes completely dilated, it was like Lou Ferrigno dropped acid or something.

So here’s what really gets me. He takes this rat and walks over to a clearing. Sets the rat down on the ground, and proceeds to taunt the rat. The rat’s kinda f*cked up already and I think it knows it’s a goner, but the cat is trying to get it to run. He’s actually tapping it, like, “C’mon, bitch. G’head, go for it. I dare ya.” He’s actually taunting this poor animal!

But that’s not why I want to name him Dahmer. I want to name him Dahmer because when he got done taunting him, he drilled a hole in its head and began sodomizing the rat.

I told ya. Cold blooded.

Deaf Presidents

Originally posted 5/11/06

Did you hear about the scandal at the university for the deaf? The students didn’t!

(Jokes about deaf people... I sure hope there’s sunblock in hell)

But it’s true, at Gallaudet University, the only 4-year liberal arts college for the deaf in America, the interim president of the board of trustees resigned on Wednesday, saying she was overwhelmed by protests, some quite violent, by students who opposed the selection of a new president of the university.

The former school president, I. King Jordan (not to be confused with King Jordan I), became the school’s first deaf president after massive student protests to have a deaf person run the school. So, now Jordan is retiring and a new president, Jane K. Fernandes, has been selected.

But the students have been protesting increasingly louder (snark) ever since the selection and the voices are getting serious enough for the head of the board of trustees to resign.

Why all the protesting? Surely they must be trying to install a hearing president, right? Or maybe she was imprisoned once for embezzling school funds. Or she eats puppies.

Nope. The problem they have with her... She’s not deaf enough.

It’s not that she can her a little bit, no, she can’t hear a damn thing. And it’s not that she became deaf and could hear when she was younger, she’s been deaf since birth (although that is true of Jordan, their last president). It’s that she isn’t “culturally deaf”, in other words, she was brought up going to normal (or “oral”) schools and not using sign language, which she learned when she was 23 and uses fluently now.

So... These kids that went to college apparently to broaden their horizons are now threatening violence unless they get a president that was brought up in the exact same schools and culture they went to, in the exact same bubble of other deaf people with probably a somewhat diminished capacity for dealing with the rest of the “oral” world.

The sheep are demanding a new shepherd.

That’s like Morehouse College students insisting on a president that spoke ebonics.

Or the president of Wellesley College being booted out because all her siblings are brothers.

Or students at Bob Jones University protesting a president because he’d never been to a cross burning.

And it’s now become national news. Who thought that deaf people would make so much noise?

Actually, the Idiot knew several people in college who took American Sign Language for a foreign language credit. You know, just in case they traveled overseas to a country where everyone was deaf.

He also wanted to go to cooking school in Hungary, just for the sheer joy of irony.

To all my homies in retail

Originally posted 5/9/06

The Idiot has always been noble on the inside, but before having control over all you subjects, I had the same slog jobs as everybody else. So I have great respect for all those in retail jobs, where the customer is always a blight. Working for damn near minimum wage trying to put yourself through school for overachieving managers who basically took a job out of high school and never had the ambition to do anything better and detest anybody who is working toward a real future.

The Idiot takes his hat off to all of you. This poem is for you.

“Ode to Retail”

I took a pen and made a rhyme,

At my job to pass the time.

The time I have will slowly pass,

‘Cause I can’t sit upon my ass.

So I stand here in my gloom,

The hour cannot turn too soon.

A lady approaches with towel in hand.

“Can I buy this?” Yes, you can.

Why even ask, did you think that we

Would turn down an opportunity

To take your money and lose a thing

That’s tackier than a nipple ring?

You’re a waste of carbon, now be a dear,

Take your receipt and get out of here

Before I shove it up your rear.

So I stand here once again,

Writing this poem with my pen.

My legs are tired, both my feet ache,

My manager’s pissed ‘cause I got here late.

My shirt is dirty from stocking stuff,

My hair’s messed up, and this music sucks.

“The drapes are down at the end of the aisle,”

I tell a woman with a huge, fake smile.

And as she turns to walk away, under my fake smile I say,

If you ask me that again, I’ll pull out all your hair that’s gray.

I’m not upset, I just can’t bear

The riding up of my underwear.

If this continues, by the end of the day,

My crack will go straight up my back,

I think I’d look real strange that way.

Now that we are in a rut,

I’ll take a break and fix my butt.

And maybe get a bite to eat,

Something filling, something sweet,

Anything, I just need some food

To keep me in my happy mood.

The break was short, but back to work

So I can stand here like an idiot.

The above lines did not rhyme,

But then, neither does this one.

A woman and her kid, isn’t that cute?

I love kids, well, that one just puked.

Do they clean it, no they just leave,

And I’m stuck here to clean the heave.

I’m not trying to sound too bitter,

But I just hate to see people litter.

Outside, it’s a beautiful day.

Sun is shining, kids at play.

Blue above, not a cloud in the sky,

Green below, the grass has grown high.

People singing, having fun,

Yet here I stand, twiddling my thumbs.

It’s the money I make that keeps me here,

It’s not a lot, but it buys beer,

That I don’t drink, ‘cause it’s at home,

And I’m stuck here, dry as a bone.

Yet, I stay here, come what may,

Every night and every day,

I don’t make much, and that’s a fact,

And the money is easily spent away,

From buying a bunch of useless crap.

I’ll piss and I’ll moan privately,

And deal with every whining snob,

But if a manger asks, then you’ll see

Me smile and say, “I love my job!”

Oh, Glorious Day

Originally posted 5/8/06

The Noble Idiot could not be happier.

Best day of his life. Seriously. Right up there with his wedding day.

I read THIS.



Finally, in a very real way, the American people have spoken and they’ve said, “Enough Tom Cruise!”

Wow! Who would have known that it would actually work? Someone makes a total ass out of himself and there are actually consequences for it. It’s amazing, it’s like I actually have some kind of faith in the idea of democracy again.

And all he had to do was jump on some couches, insult Suddenly Susan for doing whatever was necessary to keep from drowning herself, berate everybody’s favorite morning news anchor, scramble the brains of America’s sweetheart and knock her up. Oh, and be a condescending space monkey to everybody he sees.

Is that what it takes? Would people suddenly get up in arms about Iraq if Dubya got Scarlett Johansson pregnant?

I kinda can’t blame Tom Cruise. He’s been the Most Disgustingly Good Looking Guy in the Worldfor the last two decades, and now he’s starting to get to an age where he won’t be able to make a living off his looks for very much longer. He had to find a new handle. So, he decided to give “maniac” a try.

And he’s dancing like he’s never danced before.

Part of me wants to feel sorry for some of the other people involved in the movie, but I just can’t really. J.J. Abrams has two very successful TV series under his belt - Lost and Alias - not to mention he’s up to write and direct the next Star Trek movie. Philip Seymour Hoffman just won the Best Actor Oscar (and followed in the tradition of Best Actor winners following their win with a bad mainstream film - Jamie Foxx in Stealth, anyone?).

And I certainly can’t feel sorry for Tom Cruise. Besides the fact he’s richer than everyone in Montana combined, all he has to do if he’s depressed is take some vitamins and exercise, and his thetans will get right in line.


Yoga, Anyone

Originally posted 5/5/2006

The Idiot tried yoga the other day. That’s an interesting experience. Yoga’s so much different from a normal workout. Usually, it’s all GRRR!! AAAUGH!!! YEAH!!! Testosterone and manliness, UUUGHH!!

In yoga, the guy in charge, he talks in the gentlest of all gentle voices. Guiding you, guiding you from one position into another… As you’re twisted into a horrifying nightmare of a position that human beings simply were never made to be in. You know, I’m well aware that a cat can lick his own balls, but I am not a cat!

But the hardest part about yoga is just keeping yourself from laughing at the whole thing. I mean the way these guys talk, it’s hilarious. Because it’s all about being connected to nature and the universe and everything, so everything you do, they describe it like… Now turn your leg ever so slightly like the gentle curve of the sand dune. Reach your right hand up, as if plucking a twinkling star from the sky. Breathe in. Out. Now release. Arch your back like a toad being menstruated on by a camel. Hold. Breathe in. Soft eyes.

Soft eyes? That’s the one that really got me, what the hell is soft eyes? How does one get soft eyes? What muscle do you flex to make your eyes soft? I don’t even know where to begin on that.

That’s the only exercise where you can talk like that. Can you imagine you’re spotting someone doing a bench press and you’re like, “Come on! Push it! Push it! Just one more! Feel the burn! Feel the burn like the belly of a snake on the hot sands of the great Sahara!”

That could be dangerous.

So I want to do a penis yoga video. Because penile health is important, let’s face it. Maybe it would go something like this…

Now bend your penis down, like the dipping neck of a great swan. Down, down. Now hold. Breathe in. Breathe out. Feel the energy of the cosmos travel up and down your shaft. Now raise it up, slowly, rising… rising… rising like the sun over the fake mounds on a drunk whore on Sunday morning. Breathe in, hold. Soft nuts. Now let go, let your penis dangle like the pendulum of a great clock. Swing left. Swing right. Breathe, and release. Soft, soft nuts. Now wrap your first finger and thumb around the head as if choking a majestic chicken. Squeeze. Hold, and release. Now insert your penis into the attachment hose on your vacuum cleaner. Turn it on. Now close your eyes. Imagine a peaceful place, a shade tree beside a babbling brook, and under the tree is your first babysitter, giving a rimjob to Shaquile O’Neal. Feel the waves of energy throughout your body as you release into the vacuum tube. Breathe in. Breathe out.

Soft nuts.

CNN's on top of it

Originally posted 5/3/06

Today on, while the U.S. is on the brink of dropping nukes on Iran, CNN spent time listing the top 10 strangest excuses people have given for being late for work.


The Idiot has his own top 10.

10. When I stopped at the Starbucks on the way in to work, the Brazilian girl behind the counter offered to foam my latte. She said she wanted me to play with her Brazil nuts. So I took out my grande full-caf, you know, I mean she was Brazilian. I mean, come on! Brazilian! Anyway, the swelling from the coffee burns should go down in a couple of days.

9. They were giving away free angioplasty with every Enormous Omelet Sandwich at Burger King.

8. My dick fell off.

7. I stopped to help a homeless man who was having a heart attack right there on the sidewalk. It was only after I brought him back to life that I realized it was Gerald Ford!

6. Aliens flew a plane into my building.

5. Terrorists broke into my house and anal probed me.

4. Dick Cheney shot me in the face.

3. The apocalypse. What can you do?

2. I almost hit a guy on the highway and I crapped my pants. I’m not proud of it. What, should I have just come in to work with soiled underwear? Is that what gets you off? You sick F*CK!

1. Your wife didn’t want to leave this morning.

A Madman is on the Loose

Originally by: 5/2/06

Perhaps you’ve noticed that the world has gotten a lot more dangerous over the last few days. Felt on edge? Felt in danger? The delicate fabric that barely holds this world together seem a little frayed? The Idiot can tell you why.

A few days ago, a good friend of the Idiot was released from jail. This vicious criminal mastermind was incarcerated for three months in an Illinois maximum security facility for murder. His victim? A leaf of marijuana.

This Hannibal Lecter-in-training got to hang out with the Latino gangs, the black gangs, the white supremacists, the child molesters, and various and sundry other guardian angels of society for three months. Most of these sweethearts had less than an 8th grade education. Our diabolical friend was the only college graduate on his deck, which is why they called him “Professor.” Before his incarceration, he worked at a radio station, that is when he wasn’t performing his dangerous and illegal acts. Not anymore.

Now, he is under a strict house curfew and must be home every night by 7 for several months. Probation will continue for a couple of years, with meetings and drug counseling at times that will vastly restrict his ability to get a job. His life has been basically put on hold for the next two years.

One might ask what the hell he was doing with the dope in the first place. The answer is simple. He was getting high. But that’s not why he started doing it. Several years ago he began having nerve problems. Numbness. Eye problems. He would sometimes go blind for days at a time. Doctors thought it was the early stages of MS and prescribed medicine that he had to shoot up every day. It was horribly expensive and knocked him on his ass every time he took it. And it didn’t really work.

Pot did.

Thank God they got that sick f*ck off the street.

Meanwhile, Rush Limbaugh has been arrested twice for prescription drug fraud and hasn’t spent a day in jail. And the other day O.J. defended himself against a bad golf game by claiming he would find the “real bogeys”.

Now, the Idiot does not use or condone the cannabis (it can turn a person into an unmotivated slug), and he agrees that if you break a law you should be punished, but this is a little extreme. Seriously, what good does it do for society to take a working, tax paying civilian and put him out of a job for years at a time when he hasn’t hurt anybody and was basically self-medicating?

Just imagine if we weren’t living in the freest country in the world.

Immigrants disappear; Magician all too visible

Originally posted 5/1/2006

All across the nation today, illegal immigrants left their jobs and schools in protest of immigration legislation, demanding that a pathway to citizenship be opened up for millions of migrant workers.

The Idiot agrees with the plight of these people. It’s about time the United States developed a real, comprehensive naturalization plan so that people from other countries can become citizens of the Greatest Nation in the History of Nations in the Known Universe Inc. Because as it is right now, there is no way that anybody who wasn’t born here and descended from one of the original Native American tribes can be a citizen. Just a bunch of friggin’ boat people walking around here, it’s disgusting.

I mean, there’s an entire branch of government called the Immigration and Naturalization Bureau, what the hell are they doing?

The walkout of the migrant workers was supposed to show their strength and the impact they make on the economy. For example, it was expected that the produce industry would be spun into turmoil without the migrants doing those jobs that “Americans won’t do”.

Good try, but a little naive. I’m sure we can chalk it up to their limited amount of time in this country, but we’re not going to starve without having our lettuce picked for one day. After all, this is AMERICA. Who the f*ck eats salad here?

Magician David Blaine entered a “water bubble” today, an 8-foot acrylic sphere where he intends to stay for a week, or until his fingers get pruny. He is breathing through an oxygen tube, and will finish off his stunt by removing the tube and trying to break the world record for holding his breath under water, 8 minutes and 58 seconds, while escaping from 150 pounds of chains and handcuffs, which will air live on ABC.

Said the magician/attention whore, “I don’t think about death, but I am prepared for it. My only fear is the fear of the unknown.”

So how does he know that he’s afraid of it?

When he emerges from the bubble, it’s expected that the water in the bubble will be a disgusting mixture of shit, piss, dead skin, and arrogance.

A million bucks goes to anyone who will fart in his breathing tube.


Humans vs. Ants

Originally posted 4/3/06

Humans have to be God’s biggest disappointment. Really, we have to be. I want you to think about something for a minute. Think about an ant. A teeny-tiny little black ant. This little creature, barely bigger than the width of our hair, has the ability to follow a trail, to roam around and look for food, carry stuff, to dig long, complicated tunnels, and work together to create entire underground civilizations. If you step next to it, it realizes it’s in danger, and it runs for cover, it can do this. Now granted, they’re not splitting the atom, but think about this. That tiny little ant… with a tiny little head… and a microscopic brain, no more than just a few brain cells connected together, and it can do all that. That’s pretty damn impressive. I mean, look at us, our brains are a billion times that size, and what do we spend all day doing? Following sidewalks, looking for food, carrying stuff…

A lot of people chalk it up to instinct. They say, “yeah, but ants aren’t really thinking, they’re just following instinct.” Well, that’s true, but all that instinct is kept somewhere. It’s not just floating around in the air. So if an ant can do all that with just a few brain cells connected together, we should be able to, at the very least, levitate or something.

That ant thing is great. You can guilt anybody into doing anything with that one. Guys, try it on your girlfriends sometime. I’m giving it to you. Next time you catch hell for leaving the toilet seat up, just say, “Honey, if an ant can do all that with just a few brain cells, at the very least, you can learn to look before you sit down to take a dump.” Just don’t ask to stay at my place afterwards. Or, if you’re really bold, there’s, “Honey, if an ant with only a few brain cells can do all that, the least you can do is take it up the ass.”

Things you don't want to think, but kinda have to

Originally posted 3/8/2006

The Idiot is fair and open minded. Always has been. Always will be.

The Idiot would NEVER disparage or disrespect and entire religion, country, or region of the world. NEVER.

But let’s be honest. The entire Middle East has lost its f*cking mind.

I didn’t say this after any terror attacks. I truly believed that most people in that region were good people who just wanted better for their family. And let’s face it, Christianity has its wackjobs, too (by the way, don’t get raped in South Dakota anytime soon).

I didn’t say this after they burnt down KFCs in response to an obscure Danish newspaper printing a cartoon they didn’t like. I said they were being manipulated by higher powers who had inflated the issue for their own political means. They should probably be eating at Subway, anyway.

But that was before. Before I read this.

On seeing the headline, I just thought, “Oh, another one of those fundamentalist psychos that pass laws requiring all women to dress like one of Michael Jackson’s kids got a wild hair up his ass again.” And then I read the rest of the article.

And that was it. It’s all I needed to read. That entire part of the world has gone totally bonkers.

Only in the Middle East could they turn flying a kite into a fight to the death.

Only in the Middle East would anybody EVER think about gluing sharp metal and glass shards to their kite strings.

When was the last time you saw someone DIE from flying a freaking kite? Only in the Middle East!!

Guys, I know Cricket is boring, but this is what you come up with to pass the time?

The Idiot hates stereotypes. Hates them so much that he hates people who spread them by being one. All those Muslim groups out there, next time you want to condemn movies and TV shows for showing Muslims as violent and a little crazy, please remember... You have people killing each other with kites!!! Sweet Mohammed!!!

I mean, kite fighting to the death, that’s not even something the Romans made the gladiators do, and they were the greatest innovators death has ever seen!

Although, come to think of it... Gladiators fighting with kites. I really wouldn’t mind seeing that.

Anyway, thank God we live in the U.S., where nobody ever does anything crazy.

Ski Shooting

Originally published 2/26/06

Is Curling really the strangest Olympic event?

The Idiot doesn’t think so.

Curling is just shuffleboard on ice. You slide a rock and knock the other guys out of the way. Not that strange really, except for the janitors that sweep the ice in front of the rock.

The Idiot’s vote for strangest sport? Biathlon.

Here’s what you do: Ski cross country for dozens of miles with a rifle on your back and from time to time shoot at something.

And it’s not just one event, it’s TEN DIFFERENT EVENTS that consist of skiing, stopping, shooting, and skiing again. What was going on in the meeting when they came up with that sport? They thought long and hard about what two completely random actions that have absolutely zero to do with each other can they mix together into one sport. And this is what they came up with. And then they have the nerve to call it the biathlon.

It doesn’t even fit the naming scheme. Marathon = running. Triathlon = running, biking, swimming. So, naturally, the biathlon should be skiing and shooting. Que?

Sing it with me, folks... One of these things is not like the other...

Apparently you can just make up a sport. Here’s some suggestions: You swim 20 laps and then shoot a basketball. Or run 20 miles and stop once a mile to brush your teeth. Or do a gymnastics routine and then get a hockey puck shot in the nads. They all make just as much sense as the biathlon.

And they didn’t even do a good job of combining the two sports. Cross-country skiing - the most boring kind of skiing - and then lay down on the ground and take your time to aim at a target. What’s the fun in that? I say make it a downhill slalom, where they have to shoot at a target while racing downhill at 50 miles per hour. And have the targets be on a spinning wheel mounted on top of their teammate’s heads.

Now THAT’S something people will turn off American Idol for.

Genitals are magical

Originally posted 2/23/06

People always tell me that my dog has a cleaner mouth than me, but I watch my dog, and all he does is lick his own balls all day. So I decided that dog’s balls must be antiseptic. So I threw away my Listerine and I’ve been licking my dog’s balls every night. Because I’m scientific like that. With the licking of my dog’s balls. I’ve been doing it for a week now, and guess what? It doesn’t work. But my dog has never been happier. And he’s never obeyed as well, either. He used to be all over the place, but now when I say sit, he sits. When I say stay, he stays. And when I say come…. Well, he obeys is what I’m saying.

But I don’t think that’s so crazy, because I think we can all agree that genitals are magical. You know they say that the human scrotum never ages? They say the ears and nose never stop growing, that’s why old people look like Mickey Mouse coffee mugs, but your scrotum apparently never ages, which begs the question, how exactly can they tell when a wrinkled sack of flesh has aged? Is it because older scrotums drive down the street with their blinkers on, how can they tell? If you ask me, a scrotum is always 90 years old, and we’re just catching up to it.

Really, I believe that aging is the process by which we all become scrote. Think about it. Things start to sag. Wrinkles everywhere. Hair grows from every conceivable place. You start to smell a little. We all become scroti! Look at any old person, you’ll see what I mean. Look at your grandmother. I’m not making any judgments on her personality, I’m sure she’s a lovely woman, but she’s a scrotum.

A walking, talking, macramé-wearing scrotum.

Dubai, we hardly knew ye...

Originally posted 2/23/06

Lots of uproar over the fact that the president approved of a sale of several U.S. ports to a company run by the country of Dubai, a country with financial connections to some 9/11 hijackers and Osama bin Laden.

Sure, it sounds bad, but let’s step back and look at the big picture here.

Dubai might have been a rascal before, but they’re harmless now. They’ve got to be. Michael Jackson lives there now.

With his white ass... or black ass... or whatever actual color his ass is mooching off of them, there’s no way they’d be able to financially support terrorism. They probably had to buy the ports as a desperate last attempt to avoid insolvency. Imagine the millions they had to spend on a new zoo and amusement park for his front yard. The millions that are going toward umbrellas and scarves for his children. Keep in mind, his daughter is dressing quite appropriately for the region now. It almost makes him a good father.

And apparently “baby dangling” is quite the revered sport around there.

The signs are there...

Originally published 2/17/06

It doesn’t happen very often, but when it does, it’s magical.

Cheney shot a guy.

Madonna got a hernia.


Scott Stapp was arrested for public intoxication. On his honeymoon. Two days before a sex tape surfaced. Between him and Kid Rock!

There is a God.

Am I an ass that I laughed when I saw the headline, “Bird flu in Turkey”? It’s like a headline reading, “People starving in Hungary.” Or “Things getting slippery in Greece.”

And I think people should give Cheney a break for the little hunting thing. People want charges pressed, and I have to say, let it go. I argued that people should leave Clinton alone for getting a blow job, I’d be a hypocrite if I didn’t say the same here. Being the president is a very, very stressful job (and let’s face it, Cheney’s the freakin’ president), and sometimes they need a release. It’s for the good of the country. Clinton got his sneezle snogged. Cheney had to shoot a guy. Whatever gets you off.

And Madonna got a hernia. Now that’s just effin’ funny.

Tuesday, October 03, 2006

My Own Superpower

I have bad eyesight. Always have. I got my first pair of glasses in the 2nd grade, and they were the fugliest optic creation in history. I didn’t want them. My mom made me wear them.

Still scarred.

I was a junior in high school when I was finally allowed to wear contacts, and I’ve had plastic on my eyeball ever since.

Now, I hate wearing my glasses. They really distort your vision, which you get used to after a while (thanks to the remarkable adaptive power of the brain), but in short doses, it’s just nauseating. I don’t get double-vision or triple-vision, I get 18-ple vision. It’s like living in a kaleidoscope.

Because I hate wearing my glasses, I horribly abuse my eyes with my contacts. I wear my 2-week disposables for about 3 months at a time. I don’t even look at a calendar, I just take them out when everything gets foggy. When I wake up and think I’m in San Francisco, that’s when I finally change them.

That’s right. I let protein and bacteria buildup guide me.

Lots of people have suggested Lasik, since I’m so bad about changing my contacts. It is tempting. But there’s something I’d miss…

I’m super near-sighted. And without any correction, I have to get about 3 inches away from something to see it clearly, and anyone who is half as nearsighted as me can attest, you get this mega-macro visibility when you’re that nearsighted.

It’s almost like a superpower.

Cells, microscopic organisms come to life before my very eyes. When I look in the mirror, I can get down to the molecular level of my skin. My pores are gigantic, they look like buttholes covering my face.

It’s like an ant’s eye view. It’s seeing reality on a separate plane of existence.

Take that away from me? Hell no!

Monday, October 02, 2006

Freedom isn't free...dum

To listen to the average American, one would believe that we invented freedom.

That before 1776, every citizen of every country was kept in a cage and flogged, and then the United States came about and suddenly the very idea of freedom was introduced to the world. And the thought, the notion of freedom was so powerful, it traversed oceans on beams of light emanating from the gilded American specter, it destroyed dictatorships and democracy flourished the world over.

It’s just considered common knowledge amongst Americans that we are, simply put, the freest nation in the world. That all nations look to us as the ultimate example of a free society and the potential that freedom holds for everybody.

It pervades the national dialogue. Freedom. Politicians use it like saying the word increases their penis size. Ask anyone who supports the Iraq war why we’re there, without hesitation, they’ll say “Freedom.” Our soldiers fight and give their lives to protect our freedom. We name our military campaigns with it - Operation Enduring Freedom, Operation Iraqi Freedom, etc. When the French refused to goose-step across the Middle East with us, we started calling french fries - what else? Freedom Fries. We use it in catchphrases - “Freedom isn’t free!” “Freedom is on the march!” “I’m proud to be an American, where at least I know I’m free!” To us, the United States is synonymous with freedom. When the terrorists attacked us, the reason given was that “they hate our freedoms!” and that “they’re jealous of our freedoms!” And when we rebuild what those terrorists tore down, what’s it going to be called? The Freedom Tower.

As much as we use this word, identify with this word, propagandize with this word, celebrate this word, excuse our actions with this word, and kill people around the world in defense of this word, it seems that we should have a very clear knowledge of exactly what this word means.

Do we?

What is freedom?

A dictionary is no help. There’s a whole list of usages of the word, from “exemption from external control, interference, or regulation” to “a particular immunity or privilege enjoyed, as by a government or corporation: freedom to levy taxes.” (Anybody else slightly bothered by the idea of a corporation levying taxes?)

So, the word means everything from your right to not be f*cked with by the government to the government’s right to f*ck with you.

With a definition that confusing, no wonder the terrorists hate it so much.

Of course, freedom is an idea. A powerful idea, that means different things to different people. If you ask me, freedom simply means the ability to live how you want, to love who you want, to say what you want, and to pursue happiness and success doing what you want.

And there’s a lot of places around the world where any number of things in the list above could land you in jail. Think about the oppressive regimes around the world, what comes to mind? China? Iran? Saudi Arabia? North Korea? Russia, even? How would you rate which are the most repressive countries? What’s a good indicator? A country who locks up the most people would probably be the most repressive, wouldn’t it? Places where a woman can be locked up for driving or even showing her legs. Where people can be imprisoned for disagreeing with the government, or for eating the wrong foods, they would surely have the highest prison rates, and so that’s got to be an indicator of how repressive they are.

So, what are the most repressive countries in the world? There are some surprises.

According to the International Centre for Prison Studies in King’s College, London, the top 5 most repressive countries in the world are:

5) Cuba. With 487 out of 100,000 citizens imprisoned.

4) Turkmenistan. With 489 out of 100,000.*

3) Palau. With 523 out of 100,000.

2) A tie between Russia, Bermuda, and Belarus. All with 532 out of 100,000.

And the most repressive country, by far, with 714 per 100,000 people imprisoned is....


The United States.

That’s right, folks. We imprison more people per capita - by FAR - than any other country in the world. I’m not saying than any other WESTERN country or any other INDUSTRIALIZED country, no. Any. Country. Period.

We got ‘em beat.

France? 91/100k Germany? 96/100k Turkey? 95/100k Denmark? 70/100k Italy? 96/100k Japan? 58/100k China? 118/100k Saudi Arabia? 110/100k Ecuador? 100/100k Nigeria? 31/100k


The way I see it, only two things can be gleaned from this: either Americans have a much higher number of criminals and scumbags than the rest of the world (which I for one don’t believe) or our criminal justice system is an unholy mess. I’ve already chimed in on that one.

Some people might say that ours is so high because we have such a great law enforcement and judicial system that gets all the scumbags off the street, making freedom more possible for the rest of us. Again, that seems to me to imply that humanity has a very high number of scumbags. Others might say that it highlights our economic divide in America.

For sure, there are a lot of reasons, too many to list here. But when you combine this data with the fact that we unilaterally invade other countries around the world with impunity, that we take people from those countries and imprison them in secret prisons all around the world, that we just passed a measure giving our President the right to allow these people to be tortured, and that our government has for the last several years instituted a wiretapping program that spies on its own citizens, that a church that preached a sermon that didn’t support the President’s party got audited by the IRS for political campaigning when HUNDREDS of churches that supported the President were left alone, well... We just aren’t that f*cking free, are we?

And when we say we’re spreading “our kind of freedom” around the world, to the majority of people outside the U.S., that means everything that was in the previous paragraph. They have the benefit of an outside view, and they see all this about us that we ourselves are so blind to.

I mean, admit it, if you heard that an Egyptian presidential election was won by a guy who lost the popular vote, but got through on a technicality when a recount was stopped in a territory that was under the control of that man’s brother, you’d say, “Some people just aren’t ready for democracy and freedom.”


Freedom is not our sovereign commodity. We aren’t the most free nation in the world, in fact we’re really not that good at it. And we have no place going around telling other countries how to do it. These are some facts that we as Americans really need to come to terms with.

* Number 4 on the King’s College list was actually the U.S. Virgin Islands, but I decided I was picking on the U.S. enough in one post and left it out.