Saturday, October 21, 2006

Genitals are magical

Originally posted 2/23/06


People always tell me that my dog has a cleaner mouth than me, but I watch my dog, and all he does is lick his own balls all day. So I decided that dog’s balls must be antiseptic. So I threw away my Listerine and I’ve been licking my dog’s balls every night. Because I’m scientific like that. With the licking of my dog’s balls. I’ve been doing it for a week now, and guess what? It doesn’t work. But my dog has never been happier. And he’s never obeyed as well, either. He used to be all over the place, but now when I say sit, he sits. When I say stay, he stays. And when I say come…. Well, he obeys is what I’m saying.

But I don’t think that’s so crazy, because I think we can all agree that genitals are magical. You know they say that the human scrotum never ages? They say the ears and nose never stop growing, that’s why old people look like Mickey Mouse coffee mugs, but your scrotum apparently never ages, which begs the question, how exactly can they tell when a wrinkled sack of flesh has aged? Is it because older scrotums drive down the street with their blinkers on, how can they tell? If you ask me, a scrotum is always 90 years old, and we’re just catching up to it.

Really, I believe that aging is the process by which we all become scrote. Think about it. Things start to sag. Wrinkles everywhere. Hair grows from every conceivable place. You start to smell a little. We all become scroti! Look at any old person, you’ll see what I mean. Look at your grandmother. I’m not making any judgments on her personality, I’m sure she’s a lovely woman, but she’s a scrotum.

A walking, talking, macramé-wearing scrotum.

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