Saturday, October 21, 2006

Maniac Cat

Originally posted 5/15/06

Astute readers have pointed out that there are a large number of cat pics that appear on this site. That may lead one to think the Idiot is a cat person.

Guilty as charged.

Cats make sense. They’re lazy, unmotivated, and only engage themselves in things that serve their own self-interest.

You know, just like most people.

For years, the Idiot has been adopted by a cat. It’s kind-of a neighborhood cat that came in one day and never left. I named him Crash because he crashes at my place, get it? But it’s actually a really good name for him, because he’s an outdoor cat, kinda rough and tumble, you know. But I’m thinking of changing his name. To Dahmer. ‘Cause I’m telling you, this cat’s a stone cold killer. I’m not kidding.

I feed the cat, and I think he appreciates it because he’s always leaving little gifts for me. On my doorstep. The kind of gifts that used to run around and eat nuts and make noises but nowadays pretty much spend their time attracting flies. And he likes to spread his gifts around as much as possible. So you got a little bit of your gift here, a little bit of it over there. I guess you could say his gifts have some assembly required.

The area underneath the stairs of the Idiot Lair is like a Faces of Death for teenage rodents. It’s the killing fields. It’s Cambodia in the early 70’s. And that cat is a feline Pol Pot. PoleCAT Pot, if you will.

But I’ve seen him in action, and it really is amazing. He’s an outdoor cat, so he still has that predatory instinct and to see him stalking his prey, it’s like being in the Discovery Channel. A suburban, domestic Discovery Channel. But what gets me is the bloodlust in this cat, it’s unbelievable.

I came home from work one day and saw him staking out something in the grass behind a fence, and he’s sitting on the bottom rung of the fence his tail’s spasming like it’s having its own orgasm that the rest of him is not aware of. You know some creature is about to meet sweet death when his tail’s doing this. Then, finally, he’s sitting there, and he just goes…. BAM!! He disappears into the tall grass, all I see is grass violently shaking like a rhino’s about to run out of it, and all I hear are Sharon Tate-like squeaks coming out of the melee. Out of this mess, a single rat goes flying through the air over the grass, then disappears into it again.

Now, all this time, I’m just standing across the parking lot, watching this, and at this point, I’m thinking I’ve gotta get a better look at this. So I walk up to see what’s going on, about this time, the cat comes walking back through the fence with this still-struggling, still squeaking rat in his jaws of death. Now, the cat looks up at me, and like I said, the bloodlust in this cat’s face, it was terrifying! Breathing heavily, blood around his mouth, eyes completely dilated, it was like Lou Ferrigno dropped acid or something.

So here’s what really gets me. He takes this rat and walks over to a clearing. Sets the rat down on the ground, and proceeds to taunt the rat. The rat’s kinda f*cked up already and I think it knows it’s a goner, but the cat is trying to get it to run. He’s actually tapping it, like, “C’mon, bitch. G’head, go for it. I dare ya.” He’s actually taunting this poor animal!

But that’s not why I want to name him Dahmer. I want to name him Dahmer because when he got done taunting him, he drilled a hole in its head and began sodomizing the rat.

I told ya. Cold blooded.


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