Save the flies

Originally posted 5/16/06

Ah, thank Jesus.

The Idiot spent some time in Hawaii recently, and the whole time, something seemed wrong. Couldn’t put my finger on it, things were just off. I now know what it is, and through the grace and wisdom of the U.S. government, the problem is on its way to being solved.

The problem: there aren’t enough flies.

Okay, it’s not just that there are no flies. It’s that there aren’t enough Hawaiian picture-wing flies.

If that sentence didn’t send a shiver up your spine, then you’re not paying enough attention.

Hawaii is running out of PICTURE-WINGS, PEOPLE!!!

But fear not, the U.S. Fish and Wildlife Service is on it. The big news is that last week they put 12 species of Hawaiian picture-wings on the endangered species list. That’s right, 12 species of picture-wings. That means there’ll be protection for the flies with one dot on each wing, the fly with a swirly thing, that one with the stripe inside the stripe...

Anyway, THANK GOD! If my tax money is going to be put toward something, I think it should be the picture-wings. All 12 of them. And don’t think it’s weird that every fly with any tiny difference gets its own species. It’s a little known fact that every human with a different mole is considered a different species. Some of which are, by the way, on the Endangered Species list.

It’s about time. This only came about after a lawsuit by the Center for Biological Diversity in Arizona, accusing the administration of being in violation of the Endangered Species Act. “The Hawaiian picture-wings are one of our most important endemic invertebrates in Hawaii,” said Brent Plater, the Center’s staff attorney.

And don’t you know it.

According to chaos theory, if a butterfly flaps its wings in Singapore, it causes a storm in Kansas. It’s possible that the flapping of millions of picture-wings in Hawaii could cause a surge in hurricanes here in the U.S.

Wait a second...

On second thought, kill the f*ckers.