Saturday, October 21, 2006

Yoga, Anyone

Originally posted 5/5/2006


The Idiot tried yoga the other day. That’s an interesting experience. Yoga’s so much different from a normal workout. Usually, it’s all GRRR!! AAAUGH!!! YEAH!!! Testosterone and manliness, UUUGHH!!

In yoga, the guy in charge, he talks in the gentlest of all gentle voices. Guiding you, guiding you from one position into another… As you’re twisted into a horrifying nightmare of a position that human beings simply were never made to be in. You know, I’m well aware that a cat can lick his own balls, but I am not a cat!

But the hardest part about yoga is just keeping yourself from laughing at the whole thing. I mean the way these guys talk, it’s hilarious. Because it’s all about being connected to nature and the universe and everything, so everything you do, they describe it like… Now turn your leg ever so slightly like the gentle curve of the sand dune. Reach your right hand up, as if plucking a twinkling star from the sky. Breathe in. Out. Now release. Arch your back like a toad being menstruated on by a camel. Hold. Breathe in. Soft eyes.

Soft eyes? That’s the one that really got me, what the hell is soft eyes? How does one get soft eyes? What muscle do you flex to make your eyes soft? I don’t even know where to begin on that.

That’s the only exercise where you can talk like that. Can you imagine you’re spotting someone doing a bench press and you’re like, “Come on! Push it! Push it! Just one more! Feel the burn! Feel the burn like the belly of a snake on the hot sands of the great Sahara!”

That could be dangerous.

So I want to do a penis yoga video. Because penile health is important, let’s face it. Maybe it would go something like this…

Now bend your penis down, like the dipping neck of a great swan. Down, down. Now hold. Breathe in. Breathe out. Feel the energy of the cosmos travel up and down your shaft. Now raise it up, slowly, rising… rising… rising like the sun over the fake mounds on a drunk whore on Sunday morning. Breathe in, hold. Soft nuts. Now let go, let your penis dangle like the pendulum of a great clock. Swing left. Swing right. Breathe, and release. Soft, soft nuts. Now wrap your first finger and thumb around the head as if choking a majestic chicken. Squeeze. Hold, and release. Now insert your penis into the attachment hose on your vacuum cleaner. Turn it on. Now close your eyes. Imagine a peaceful place, a shade tree beside a babbling brook, and under the tree is your first babysitter, giving a rimjob to Shaquile O’Neal. Feel the waves of energy throughout your body as you release into the vacuum tube. Breathe in. Breathe out.

Soft nuts.

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